Better Living Through Chemistry
I have a clear memory from when I was in junior high school, so probably twelve or thirteen years old, and I overheard my mom tell my aunt that my grandpa was taking “antidepressants.” My honest reaction in the moment was pure envy. My mind reeled at the idea that there was medication you could take that would make you feel less terrible all the time. At the time, I didn’t have the vocabulary to explain that I was feeling depressed, but looking back at it I clearly was. I had few friends and the ones I did were as likely to pick on me as some of the more outwardly hostile kids at school. My grades had collapsed and I had gone from a kid who did fine running to good in school to one who routinely failed classes because I didn’t bother to turn in the work. I had trouble sleeping and I didn’t find a lot of joy in things. And I had no idea that those things were uncommon, or that they weren’t necessarily evidence of personal failings or weakness. I thought that everyone else was just doing a better job than I was, and I needed to figure out how to do that too. But when I heard that there was a pill that you could take to feel better, man, I wanted it.
But this was the early 90s. I wouldn’t be diagnosed with any kind of mental health issues for another twenty five years. Medication and counseling that could help me with my issues were in the far distant future. Instead, I struggled through it. I felt bad a lot of the time. I discovered the psychological benefits of exercise. I thought about suicide. I discovered the joy of being on stage and performing. I struggled to maintain real friendships. I left junior high and went to a bigger high school where it was easier to find a niche and/or get lost in the crowd. Most significantly, a few years later, I went to college and discovered drinking, which became my primary method of coping with my social anxiety, my depression, and my struggle to understand other people. For close to twenty years, that’s how I dealt with things.
I finally found my way into counseling when I was in my mid thirties and the pressure of my job and my growing family was getting overwhelming. Doctors prescribed me medicine, which helped me function, getting me to the point where, another few years down the line, I found myself walking into AA and sobriety. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I’d had access to those resources when I was young and really struggling. Even access to the vocabulary to describe what I was feeling and that it wasn’t “normal” would have helped tremendously. Some people would argue that I’m stronger because of what I went through. I reject that out of hand. I’m strong because I work hard, set ambitious goals, and reflect on my mistakes. Being anxious and depressed just made me miserable, and if there was a way to have avoided it I would take it ten times out of ten.
I’m thinking about this today for two reasons. First, last week I had a physical and my doctor and I agreed to change up the meds I’m using for my anxiety. I think we’ve hit on a winning formula. I’ve spent the last week feeling like I’m living life with a cheat code. Things that used to bother me and sit with me all day still bother me, but it’s easier for me to pivot my brain off of them and onto things I would rather be focusing on. The anxiety is still there, but it is much easier to see it for what it is and compartmentalize it. If this is how “normal” people feel all of the time, then I’ve spent a lot of my life playing the game in weighted boots. It’s possible that my old friend homeostasis will balance out the new meds before long and leave me feeling exactly the way I did before, but it’s also possible that I might be experiencing a new normal. Which would be great.
But of course, the other reason I’m thinking about this today is that the US government is very likely to start striking an antagonistic posture toward antidepressants, which has me a little terrified. There are a lot of things the government is doing right now that make me feel like the world is falling apart, but taking the anxiety meds is one of the main things I need to deal with what just happened in the Oval Office between Trump and Zelensky, or the shutdown of global malaria treatments, or the mass firing of… you get the point. I assume RFK would tell me that I need to find healthy solutions to my issues, but my ability to do things like get consistent exposure to sunlight, sleep eight hours a night, avoid processed foods, exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, and so on is pretty compromised by living where I do and doing what I do. I am in fact a huge believer in the healing power of exercise— it is why I’m doing this whole project— and in talk therapy, and healthy eating, and all of that. But taking medication along with all of that still helps put me on even footing with a world of people who don’t experience life the way I do. I really hope they don’t take that away.
In the meantime, I will continue to do what I do. If you’re new here, this blog is part of my project to run 5 half marathons in 5 states this July. I’m doing it as a fundraiser for the National Diaper Bank Network. I’m hoping that a combination of exercise and purposeful activity will help me navigate the slings and arrows the news and the world keeps throwing at me. If you’d like to get involved, please consider making even a small donation using the link at the top of this page. Thanks so much!
